So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
