Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
