Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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