This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
