This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
