god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
