Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize