After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
