KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
