Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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