Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Randomize
