Tell her she can't have a vagina
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
