At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
