im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
