I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
