I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
