kristin has been a bad kristin
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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