The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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