i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
