I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
