I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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