I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
