Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
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