Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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