Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
