Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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