Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Well I just put wine in my tea
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Bring me that man meat
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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