Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
third nipple confirmed
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
