So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
