i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
