i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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