Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
