Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
