I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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