OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
