I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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