I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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