I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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