either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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