Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
