I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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