well you can't waste a boner
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize