I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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