Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
