apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
