Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
