I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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