I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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