There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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