I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
