yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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