My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
