my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
