Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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