It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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