Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
