meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
