hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
