Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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